What a Shame

In my last blog I promised to talk about the process of recovering from a state of toxic shame, which is how John Bradshaw (psychologist and author) describes the common state of distorted identity that separates us from our natural grace. In his book 'healing the shame that binds you' (see my picks) he talks about the difference between our natural healthy feelings of shame and unhealthy feelings of toxic shame, which is poisonous to our wellbeing. Natural Shame is the feeling that arises in us when we are thinking or acting in a way that is against our innate values. This could be that we are behaving dishonestly or destructively to ourself or another, or it could be that we are failing to live up to out potential in life. All of us have feelings of natural shame which guide us in living a fulfilling and responsible life.


Toxic Shame is the result of other peoples values, negative messages and expectations being imposed on us. This is done (usually not deliberately) by parents, teachers, society, religion, media and peer groups. Very few of us in the modern world escape the traumatic effects of toxic shame in our lives. The effects can vary greatly from a mild lack of self esteem to serious mental disorders and behavioural problems. The majority of people are somewhere in the middle, usually suffering under the burden of addiction and self limiting beliefs, but able to function well enough to survive and begin a process of recovery.


Toxic shame creates what Bradshaw calls a 'shame bind'. This is a no win "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. If we comply with the imposed values and expectations we feel ashamed because we are not living our true values and potential. If we do not comply we feel ashamed because we are acting against the imposed values. Either action leads us to pain, forcing many people to live a life where they are constantly trying to reduce the risk of shame though a complex balancing act of self limitation. I call this emotional fence sitting. Of course the problem with sitting on fences is that you end up with a sore arse.


What this leads to is a state where we often dissociate from shame all together, to avoid the experience of this painful and seemingly unresolvable emotional state. In the milder cases this leads to a sort of emotional numbness that results in living a passionless and neurotic life, often leading to depression and apathy. In severe cases it manifests as psychopathic and other pathological behaviours like violence, criminality, drug abuse, excessive promiscuity and so on. Bradshaw calls these two ends of the spectrum living shamefully or shamelessly. Whichever the case is, recovery involves a process of undoing the imposed state of toxic shame and rediscovering the gift of natural shame in ourselves.


Another effect of toxic shame is the impact it has on our self concept. Typically people who are suffering from toxic shame binding have an 'all or nothing' view of themselves. In their own minds they flip between fantasies of being either super human or totally worthless. There is no permission in their self esteem to be somewhere in the middle, another human being who, though no better than others, still has their unique and valuable contribution to make to life. This is a dreadful bind to be in, a belief that if I'm not making superhuman achievements (which are impossible) I'm completely useless and unloveable. Wow, what a setup for feelings of failure and self hatred. Again, this can vary in severity from unrealistic goals and over achievement behaviours to total life paralysis where no action is taken.


Toxic shame is most evident in the extraordinary incidence of addiction we find in our society. Pretty much everyone is doing it. We are addicted to drugs, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, adrenalin, television, work, romance, video games, sex, food, sport and so on. All addictions serve the same basic purpose, numbing out our uncomfortable feelings and stimulating our bodies into an excited state that overides the pain. They are coping mechanism's, self medicating practices that help us to survive until we can discover the will and resources to deal with the toxic feelings underneath. In themselves, addictions are not the problem and need to be treated with understanding and compassion. If we beat ourselves up for our addictions we are simply adding to the shame and worthlessness we feel. A kinder and more effective approach is to recognise the addiction as the symptom of our distress, and use it as a gateway to the healing work we need to do.


Undoing toxic shame is rarely easy, and takes courage and determination. The worst thing to do is trying to do it alone. Toxic shame does it best to hide from others, and healing it requires that we expose ourselves to the loving presence that we are unable to provide for ourselves when we are shame bound. This can be through a therapist, a support group, a twelve step program (which are designed exactly for this purpose), a spiritual practice or any number of healing programs and workshops. Ultimately, we are exposing ourselves to the opportunity for grace to enter into our heart and heal our illusions of wrongness. It's not easy work, and it requires that we give up our attempts to avoid, deny and hide the shame that we feel, but the freedom and joy it brings far outweighs the pain we have to go through.


Shame off you.