For as long as I can remember I have battled with a food addiction. It has been the defining negative behaviour of my life, my great nemesis, my own personal Moby Dick. Like Moby Dick it seems to lurk in the unseen depths, leaping up suddenly to wreak havoc and destruction on my world. I meet it with futile rage, powerless in the face of it majesty and absolute refusal to submit to my wishes and demands. Though I speak about it with a satirical edge of drama, it has been a serious source of suffering for me. I have woken every day to find it dominating my thoughts, controlling my actions, and impacting on my health, wellbeing and self esteem.
No attempts to address it have ever worked. A long line of therapists, books, practices, diets, mind changing methodologies, 12 step programs and other desperations have failed miserably. Over time I had become aware that the harder I tried to 'handle' it, the worse it became. The more I tried to control it, the stronger it got. Eventually we arrived at a uneasy truce where I gave in by simply not trying to manage it, merely hoping each day that it would not cause too great a problem for me. I was a beaten man, suffering my pain in a miasma of silent debilitating shame and confusion. Welcome to the dark side of my life.
However, you may notice that I am writing in the past tense. this weekend gone, that all changed. Today I am a man released from a terrible imprisonment, no longer gripped by the iron fist of self hatred. What has freed me is a simple realisation, a moment of blinding insight that left me laughing stupidly in joy and wonder. Want to know what it is? (I'm teasing).
JOY. My addiction is the manifestation of repressed joy. Far from the terrible trauma or shameful secret I imagined it to be - at the core of this behaviour is a delicious, delectable, degustatory deluge of delight. I LOVE FOOD. I absolutely adore food, in all its forms (OK, not shellfish). I love it's sweetness, it's tang, its texture and its taste. Food is one of the great joys of my life, one of the major benefits of being in a body on planet Earth. I mean, seriously, I know that 'breatharians' and others who stick to regimens of dietary purity are reputed to live long lives, but why bother. If the cost of such longevity is the denial of such pleasure I really cant see the point.
Food, Glorious Food. Food brings me incredible joy, and the only reason I've been overdoing it for all these years is that I have not been allowing myself to have that joy, to en-joy my food. Why? Because the messages I received as a small child around the enjoyment of food were extremely negative. "Don't be a guts", "you'll get fat", "Don't let anyone see you", "be moderate", "watch your weight", "Don't be greedy", "always leave some on your plate" and so forth. My simple joy was turned by these into a shameful secret. By the time I was 12 years old I used to sneak out when everyone else had gone to bed and eat where no one could see me enjoy it, then crawl back to bed feeling ashamed and guilty but finally satisfied.
I have thought all my life that the problem was this eating that I needed to control, while all along the problem has been the belief that I needed to control my eating. Since making this discovery I haven't been overeating at all. Now when I eat, I sit down and really enjoy it. By allowing myself to finally have my joy, to receive the gift of this human life, I naturally stop eating at the point where I'm satisfied. I no longer need to run back for seconds and thirds because the child in me has been allowed his simple joys without being berated and repressed. Since making this discovery the weight has been gradually coming off, not because I try to 'lose it' through diet and exercise, but because I no longer overeat and I naturally want to live an active life. This is life the way grace designed it to be, an instinctive and effortless balancing act that requires no interference from a frightened mind.
In other words - enjoying my food isn't the problem - it's the solution. the problem was in not trusting myself, not trusting nature, not trusting grace and not trusting joy. So I hope you will join me in celebrating my new found freedom, and maybe even find some hidden joy of your own.
In Joy I trust.
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