Healing the Ego - part III

I've tried to establish that the Ego is not the enemy of life, happiness and all things spiritual. I've also attempted to convince you that it is what happens to the ego in the process of being socialised to an unhealthy society, rather than it's innate properties, that causes our suffering and sense of separation from the divine. I'd like to expand on exactly how the ego becomes shattered in this way. The ego is meant to be a fluid mechanism, constantly adapting to encompass and incorporate all aspects of our being. As we develop during childhood different faculties and abilities, (thought, willfulness, curiosity, sexuality etc) come online at various stages. In a healthy family system these emergences would be welcomed and validated, leading to their natural incorporation into our evolving identity.

In many family systems certain aspects of our being are not welcomed, causing what psychologists call arrested development, which means that the ego has to adapt to the situation by supressing and defending against these parts of ourselves. This takes the form of various messages, beliefs and decisions that we make in order to survive - such as "it's not safe to tell the truth", "my sexuality is dirty and needs to be hidden" or "who I am is not right". These are known as trauma messages and they affect our entire system. Typically trauma messages have a cognitive component such as a belief, an affective component (our feelings) and a connotative component, being our attitudes and behaviours. For instance, if you are punished for speaking your truth you might make the decision that "my truth is bad" (cognitive) which will produce feelings of fear, shame, guilt and probably anger (affective). This will often result in behaviours such as withdrawing, people pleasing, secrecy and passive aggression against yourself or others.

To complicate thing even further, as time goes on you may forget the cause of these behaviours entirely and then start to berate yourself for them. Addictions and self destructive or self limiting behaviours all started their life as adaptations that were trying to protect you and ensure your survival. The result for the ego is that it stops being a fluid  mechanism and becomes a rigid unhelathy identity, which has trouble evolving and adapting to new situations. It is this ego 'state' that separates us from ourself and from grace. So, how do we go about undoing this egoic calcification? I like to continue with the tree analogy and treat is like gardening. To create a great garden (healthy ego) their are several stages we have to go through.

(1) Attention: Left to itself, this ego state will simply continue on becoming more and more choked up with trauma mesages, much as an untended garden becomes overgrown with weeds. The first thing we need to do is to end the denial and recognise that our garden is in need of loving care, of being tended with the correct tools. This is very different from trying to erradicate the problem from a place of frustration and self hatred. We are not trying to kill it off (poisons) or force it to look acceptable (lawnmower), but to gently revive it to it's original beauty (getting our hands dirty).

(2) Weeding:  This is the cognitive component of our work. We need to sort through the jungle to discover which parts are worth keeping and which are weeds to be removed. The weeds are all the repressive and self degrading thoughts, beliefs and decisions we have made. It's important to realise that even weeds have been useful, in that they have kept life going in our garden. Our 'negative patterns' are actually earlier survival strategies and need to be appreciated and loved even as we remove them from our minds. In fact, it is only though love and compassion that we are able to tell the difference between the two.

(3) Tilling the Soil:  This is the emotional component of our work. As we are pulling the weeds (negative messages) from their place we unearth the feelings buried beneath them. Our feelings naturally release and heal, given the opportunity, but we need to be willing to turn over soil and allow them to come to the surface, where they can evaporate in the sunlight. Our feelings are the emotional indicators that let us know we have been believing untrue things about ourselves. By tiling our emotional soil we rebuild our relationship with who we really are.

(4) Sowing the Seeds: Weeds are the result of our soil being sown with bad seeds (negative messages). To encourage a healthy garden we need to sow with good seeds (healthy messages) and encourage the goods seeds that are already there (our supressed self) to emerge. When we plant loving thoughts in our carefully tilled soil they will slowly grow to create loving feelings and loving self sustaining behaviours.

(5) Watering: Healing, like gardening, takes time. There is the intial satisfaction of seeing the weeds removed, but without continual loving care and replanting of healthy seeds, the garden will simply grow rank once more. Our new beautiful seedlings need plenty of care. This is where grace can be the most useful. By undertaking a practice of regular communion with divine grace we are bring our ego the fresh clean water and gentle sunlight it needs to truly flourish. As our healthy thoughts grow they become strong trees, providing shade and protection for the tender life beneath them and keeping the weeds at bay.

(6) Sharing the Beauty: A garden is not truly great until it's beauty is shared. As we grow in health and love we have much to offer others. Inspiration, gentle advice, a helping hand when their weeds have overwhelmed them. By tending to our garden we become able to help others tend to theirs in their moments of need. Together we create a beautiful world.

Of course, a lot of people haven't got the faintest idea how to go about tending their own garden and are truly overwhelmed by the forest of weeds that choke their minds with dark and thorny thoughts. That's where we need to look around us, we find someone who's garden is healthier than ours, and ask for help. People with healthy gardens always want to help others. As we are nourished, so we want to nourish.

The final thing I'd like to say is this. Always remember that you are never broken, that your garden is never dead, no matter how many weeds seem to dominate and oppress it. Just below the soil lie the seeds of your true self merely waiting for the monent when you clear a patch for them to emerge in. We have no need to know what the final result will look like. We merely need to start, to get down in the dirt and dig for the beauty within us.

Together we grow.