The most powerful ways I know to experience grace and all the blessings it offers, is to offer grace to others in the form of blessing. This doesn't mean you have to wave your hands in the air and chant strange rituals at people. Blessing is simply another word for positively recognising other people. When I bless someone else I choose to see the good (grace) inside them, and acknowledge it openly. Everyone blesses all the time. We bless our friends, our families, and our co-workers every time we smile, embrace, validate and encourage. It's an ancient truth that the more we bless others, the more blessed we are. It could be said that all the world really needs is more blessing, but it isn't always as easy as it sounds. There are a number of barriers to blessing which we may have to get past.
The first, and the worst, is a sense of unworthiness, the idea that we have no blessing to offer - that our opinion is not important or valuable to others. Sadly this low opinion of ourselves arises because we have not received the kind of blessing and validation we needed. Even more sadly, this is a cyclical condition where, because of other peoples failure to bless us, we now feel we cannot bless others, who then feel they cannot bless others and so on. Fortunately it only takes one person to break this cycle. One person to think "well, maybe I don't think my opinion is worth much, but perhaps it can give some small joy to another anyway. Maybe I'll give it a go and see what happens". I don't know about you, but the times in my life where someone has taken the trouble to offer me blessing and recognition stick out boldy in my memory. Not only because they are rarer than I might like, but because they feel so damn good. It didn't matter to me who that person was, only that they took the time to care.
The second barrier to blessing is anger. Most people carry the pain of not receiving the blessing and validation they would like. Most people feel unnapreciated, taken for granted and unrecognised at some point in their life. For some, perhaps many, this can turn into a vengeful resentment. "If the world won't give me the blessing I need, then I'm not giving it to them either". I wish I could say that this is uncommon, but it isn't. Many of us feel that we have an empty cup, and therefore don't make the effort to fill the cup of others, lest it cost us what little we have. The reality of life is very different. Blessing not only costs us nothing but it has the strange effect that as we fill up the cup of others, so ours is filled. When I get into this sort of mindset I try to ask myself this question "Is this the person I want to be". Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?
The third barrier to blessing is fear. Fear that we might appear weak or needy. Fear that our blessing may not be welcome. Fear that the other may be embarrased. Fear that it might fall on deaf ears, be struck down on the rocks of the other persons feelings of unworthiness. Fear that we might be ridiculed or rejected. Fear that others might misinterpret our offering, see it as angling for something we want in return. Fear that others might grow attached and dependent on us. Fear that we will always be the one giving, and not receive the blessings we long for. Fear with a thousand faces. There are two good remedies for fear. The first is courage, the wilingness to decide that the benefits outweigh the risk. The willingness to allow other people to have their reactions and hold fast to the purity of our intent. The second remedy is skill - there are ways of offering blessing to others that are hard to misinterpret, hard to deny and hard to resist.
Not all Blessings are Created Equal
I wish that they were, for certainly the intent is equal in it's lovingness, but the undeniable fact is that there is a skill to good blessing. There is an old principle that when it comes to communication the progentior is 100% responsible. This means that we are responsible not only for what what we say, but for how it is heard. This is harsh, because our words are often being filtered through the other persons worldview, but if we wish our words to have effect we need to take the time to understand their worldview and tailor our message to it. The intention of blessing is to communicate love and acceptance, so if our intention is true, the extra effort shouldn't be too much trouble.
As blessings go compliments are tricky and easy to misinterpret. They often hit up against the barriers of the other persons low self esteem, and sometimes can be interpreted as 'flattery', which is esentially self serving. If you tell someone that they are beautiful for instance, you may offend them because they could have a history of being objectified and exploited for their beauty, and not respected for their character. That's not to say that compliments don't work at all, but to give an effective compliment we usually have to make sure that it is very specific. It needs to be tailored to the the person's view of themselves, to praise in them something that they value in themselves. If we compliment someone for something that they are unable to recognise about themselves, our words will fall on deaf ears. If we compliment them for something that they do not value about themselves, or something that represents a limitation to them, they may even resent it.
Similarly, praise and encouragement can be seen as patronising and arrogant, or downright manipulative. Most people like to be praised, but only if the person praising them is someone who's opinion they respect and value. Sadly, many people who are in the habit of easily praising others, are often using charm to manipulate for personal gain. This leads to a general distrust and wariness of those who offer praise. Praise and encouragement usually requires a pre-existing bond of intimacy, or no room for doubt about the givers intentions, to be readily received.
The most effective and readily accepted form of blessing is usually a communication that lets the other person know that they have made a positive contribution to the speakers life. Everyone has an inbuilt need to make a contribution and be seen as a valuable member of their community. For all our modern obsession with what we can 'get', it is our ability to give that brings us happiness and self esteem. In fact, the most damaging thing that happens to our self esteem in this world is where others fail to recognise what we have to offer. So if you really want to let someone know that you value them, ask yourself what it is that they bring to your experience of life, and tell them about it.
Together we rise.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Healing the Ego - part III
I've tried to establish that the Ego is not the enemy of life, happiness and all things spiritual. I've also attempted to convince you that it is what happens to the ego in the process of being socialised to an unhealthy society, rather than it's innate properties, that causes our suffering and sense of separation from the divine. I'd like to expand on exactly how the ego becomes shattered in this way. The ego is meant to be a fluid mechanism, constantly adapting to encompass and incorporate all aspects of our being. As we develop during childhood different faculties and abilities, (thought, willfulness, curiosity, sexuality etc) come online at various stages. In a healthy family system these emergences would be welcomed and validated, leading to their natural incorporation into our evolving identity.
In many family systems certain aspects of our being are not welcomed, causing what psychologists call arrested development, which means that the ego has to adapt to the situation by supressing and defending against these parts of ourselves. This takes the form of various messages, beliefs and decisions that we make in order to survive - such as "it's not safe to tell the truth", "my sexuality is dirty and needs to be hidden" or "who I am is not right". These are known as trauma messages and they affect our entire system. Typically trauma messages have a cognitive component such as a belief, an affective component (our feelings) and a connotative component, being our attitudes and behaviours. For instance, if you are punished for speaking your truth you might make the decision that "my truth is bad" (cognitive) which will produce feelings of fear, shame, guilt and probably anger (affective). This will often result in behaviours such as withdrawing, people pleasing, secrecy and passive aggression against yourself or others.
To complicate thing even further, as time goes on you may forget the cause of these behaviours entirely and then start to berate yourself for them. Addictions and self destructive or self limiting behaviours all started their life as adaptations that were trying to protect you and ensure your survival. The result for the ego is that it stops being a fluid mechanism and becomes a rigid unhelathy identity, which has trouble evolving and adapting to new situations. It is this ego 'state' that separates us from ourself and from grace. So, how do we go about undoing this egoic calcification? I like to continue with the tree analogy and treat is like gardening. To create a great garden (healthy ego) their are several stages we have to go through.
(1) Attention: Left to itself, this ego state will simply continue on becoming more and more choked up with trauma mesages, much as an untended garden becomes overgrown with weeds. The first thing we need to do is to end the denial and recognise that our garden is in need of loving care, of being tended with the correct tools. This is very different from trying to erradicate the problem from a place of frustration and self hatred. We are not trying to kill it off (poisons) or force it to look acceptable (lawnmower), but to gently revive it to it's original beauty (getting our hands dirty).
(2) Weeding: This is the cognitive component of our work. We need to sort through the jungle to discover which parts are worth keeping and which are weeds to be removed. The weeds are all the repressive and self degrading thoughts, beliefs and decisions we have made. It's important to realise that even weeds have been useful, in that they have kept life going in our garden. Our 'negative patterns' are actually earlier survival strategies and need to be appreciated and loved even as we remove them from our minds. In fact, it is only though love and compassion that we are able to tell the difference between the two.
(3) Tilling the Soil: This is the emotional component of our work. As we are pulling the weeds (negative messages) from their place we unearth the feelings buried beneath them. Our feelings naturally release and heal, given the opportunity, but we need to be willing to turn over soil and allow them to come to the surface, where they can evaporate in the sunlight. Our feelings are the emotional indicators that let us know we have been believing untrue things about ourselves. By tiling our emotional soil we rebuild our relationship with who we really are.
(4) Sowing the Seeds: Weeds are the result of our soil being sown with bad seeds (negative messages). To encourage a healthy garden we need to sow with good seeds (healthy messages) and encourage the goods seeds that are already there (our supressed self) to emerge. When we plant loving thoughts in our carefully tilled soil they will slowly grow to create loving feelings and loving self sustaining behaviours.
(5) Watering: Healing, like gardening, takes time. There is the intial satisfaction of seeing the weeds removed, but without continual loving care and replanting of healthy seeds, the garden will simply grow rank once more. Our new beautiful seedlings need plenty of care. This is where grace can be the most useful. By undertaking a practice of regular communion with divine grace we are bring our ego the fresh clean water and gentle sunlight it needs to truly flourish. As our healthy thoughts grow they become strong trees, providing shade and protection for the tender life beneath them and keeping the weeds at bay.
(6) Sharing the Beauty: A garden is not truly great until it's beauty is shared. As we grow in health and love we have much to offer others. Inspiration, gentle advice, a helping hand when their weeds have overwhelmed them. By tending to our garden we become able to help others tend to theirs in their moments of need. Together we create a beautiful world.
Of course, a lot of people haven't got the faintest idea how to go about tending their own garden and are truly overwhelmed by the forest of weeds that choke their minds with dark and thorny thoughts. That's where we need to look around us, we find someone who's garden is healthier than ours, and ask for help. People with healthy gardens always want to help others. As we are nourished, so we want to nourish.
The final thing I'd like to say is this. Always remember that you are never broken, that your garden is never dead, no matter how many weeds seem to dominate and oppress it. Just below the soil lie the seeds of your true self merely waiting for the monent when you clear a patch for them to emerge in. We have no need to know what the final result will look like. We merely need to start, to get down in the dirt and dig for the beauty within us.
Together we grow.
In many family systems certain aspects of our being are not welcomed, causing what psychologists call arrested development, which means that the ego has to adapt to the situation by supressing and defending against these parts of ourselves. This takes the form of various messages, beliefs and decisions that we make in order to survive - such as "it's not safe to tell the truth", "my sexuality is dirty and needs to be hidden" or "who I am is not right". These are known as trauma messages and they affect our entire system. Typically trauma messages have a cognitive component such as a belief, an affective component (our feelings) and a connotative component, being our attitudes and behaviours. For instance, if you are punished for speaking your truth you might make the decision that "my truth is bad" (cognitive) which will produce feelings of fear, shame, guilt and probably anger (affective). This will often result in behaviours such as withdrawing, people pleasing, secrecy and passive aggression against yourself or others.
To complicate thing even further, as time goes on you may forget the cause of these behaviours entirely and then start to berate yourself for them. Addictions and self destructive or self limiting behaviours all started their life as adaptations that were trying to protect you and ensure your survival. The result for the ego is that it stops being a fluid mechanism and becomes a rigid unhelathy identity, which has trouble evolving and adapting to new situations. It is this ego 'state' that separates us from ourself and from grace. So, how do we go about undoing this egoic calcification? I like to continue with the tree analogy and treat is like gardening. To create a great garden (healthy ego) their are several stages we have to go through.
(1) Attention: Left to itself, this ego state will simply continue on becoming more and more choked up with trauma mesages, much as an untended garden becomes overgrown with weeds. The first thing we need to do is to end the denial and recognise that our garden is in need of loving care, of being tended with the correct tools. This is very different from trying to erradicate the problem from a place of frustration and self hatred. We are not trying to kill it off (poisons) or force it to look acceptable (lawnmower), but to gently revive it to it's original beauty (getting our hands dirty).
(2) Weeding: This is the cognitive component of our work. We need to sort through the jungle to discover which parts are worth keeping and which are weeds to be removed. The weeds are all the repressive and self degrading thoughts, beliefs and decisions we have made. It's important to realise that even weeds have been useful, in that they have kept life going in our garden. Our 'negative patterns' are actually earlier survival strategies and need to be appreciated and loved even as we remove them from our minds. In fact, it is only though love and compassion that we are able to tell the difference between the two.
(3) Tilling the Soil: This is the emotional component of our work. As we are pulling the weeds (negative messages) from their place we unearth the feelings buried beneath them. Our feelings naturally release and heal, given the opportunity, but we need to be willing to turn over soil and allow them to come to the surface, where they can evaporate in the sunlight. Our feelings are the emotional indicators that let us know we have been believing untrue things about ourselves. By tiling our emotional soil we rebuild our relationship with who we really are.
(4) Sowing the Seeds: Weeds are the result of our soil being sown with bad seeds (negative messages). To encourage a healthy garden we need to sow with good seeds (healthy messages) and encourage the goods seeds that are already there (our supressed self) to emerge. When we plant loving thoughts in our carefully tilled soil they will slowly grow to create loving feelings and loving self sustaining behaviours.
(5) Watering: Healing, like gardening, takes time. There is the intial satisfaction of seeing the weeds removed, but without continual loving care and replanting of healthy seeds, the garden will simply grow rank once more. Our new beautiful seedlings need plenty of care. This is where grace can be the most useful. By undertaking a practice of regular communion with divine grace we are bring our ego the fresh clean water and gentle sunlight it needs to truly flourish. As our healthy thoughts grow they become strong trees, providing shade and protection for the tender life beneath them and keeping the weeds at bay.
(6) Sharing the Beauty: A garden is not truly great until it's beauty is shared. As we grow in health and love we have much to offer others. Inspiration, gentle advice, a helping hand when their weeds have overwhelmed them. By tending to our garden we become able to help others tend to theirs in their moments of need. Together we create a beautiful world.
Of course, a lot of people haven't got the faintest idea how to go about tending their own garden and are truly overwhelmed by the forest of weeds that choke their minds with dark and thorny thoughts. That's where we need to look around us, we find someone who's garden is healthier than ours, and ask for help. People with healthy gardens always want to help others. As we are nourished, so we want to nourish.
The final thing I'd like to say is this. Always remember that you are never broken, that your garden is never dead, no matter how many weeds seem to dominate and oppress it. Just below the soil lie the seeds of your true self merely waiting for the monent when you clear a patch for them to emerge in. We have no need to know what the final result will look like. We merely need to start, to get down in the dirt and dig for the beauty within us.
Together we grow.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Ego is not a dirty word - Part II
In Ego part I, I spoke of how society separates us from our natural instincts and feelings, which denies us access to the most fundamental connection we have with the grace that lives inside us. In this blog I want to talk about what the ego really is, and why having a healthy ego is fundamental to not only our human happiness but our spiritual development.
I've spoken before about how each of us in actually the indivisible divine force manifesting in individuated form. God getting to know itself through the illusion of separation and the diversity of creation. Every being, every flower, every tree and animal are in fact merely different expressions of the one infinite life force. We exist in an interdependence of forms, much the same way that each cell in our body is both uniquely individual and a neccesary part of the greater whole. This is a very useful analogy, as most people realise that each cell has a vital role in their overall wellbeing. The disease of even one cell impoverishes and threatens the wellbeing of the whole system.
Like cells, we each contain within us the entire blueprint of life and yet we each are a specialised expression of that blueprint. Like cells, we each function within our own discreet boundaries, and yet we function as part of a greater whole. Like cells, we need to understand our part in the overall scheme of things, but we also need to maintain our independent identity and function. This is where the Ego comes in. Our ego is the mechanism by which we are able to figure out where we end and others begin. It is the basis of our individuality, which must be maintained for us to function. Without the ego, we would simply experience ourself as the undiferentiated life force, which would render creation rather pointless. The ego does not, as some claim, separate us from God. What it does is allow us to function as an individuated aspect of God, a unique expression of grace.
Also like cells, we each have particular functions, a particular part to play in the grand scheme of things. A brain cell would never consider the idea that it should be a liver cell, or vice versa. They accept their particular role as given, and find joy in the doing of it. Unlike cells, and most other lifeforms, the human being does get a little more choice in matters of function. We bear the gift and the burden of free will, the ability to make choices about our direction in life. This is more limited than most people would like to believe. Each of us has particular tendencies, talents and abilities which suit us for particualr roles. If we use free will to try and fulfill unsuitable roles we generally find ourselves frustrated, unsuccesful and unhappy. Fortunately, if we surrender to the fulfilment of our true roles we discover passion, fulfilment and happiness.
One of the most damaging concepts of the modern world is the idea that you can do "anything at all". If the little skinny guy with the high academic IQ and poor motor skills sets his mind on being a star football player he simply will not succeed. Nor will the jock with limited academic ability be winning the noble prize for science. These would be examples of our ego having become disconnected from reality. A healthy ego is firmly rooted in our organic and spiritual existence. We experience our ego consciously through our 'self concept', our psychological picture of who we are. The degree to which this self concept matches up with the reality of our 'self' (called self efficacy) determines the degree to which we are able to be happy and at peace in our own skin.
Unfortunately, most of us do not get the family and society that naturally leads to the development of a healthy ego. Ego health is a result of unconditional love, positive regard and validation for our unique value as a person. The extent to which others recognise the value of our particular being usually determines the extent to which we form a healthy and loving self concept. Sadly, most people are subjected to environments in which others demand that we try to make our true self fit into a self concept that is foreign and unachievable. Put another way, our identity is meant to develop around our experience of self, not be imposed on us by other peoples expectations and ideas about who we should be.
The first part of the journey of spiritual development is the healing of our ego. Those who try to bypass this stage inevitably end up being dragged back to it, no matter how advanced they may seem to be in matters spiritual and energetic. In fact, many people who try to devlop transcendent awareness without having healed their ego end up in a highly ungrounded state that can lead to insanity. Others end up stuck in a stage of 'spiritual ego', where their knowledge and beliefs outstrip their understanding and development. They talk the talk but are unable to walk the walk. The Kabbalists put this well - "a tree that wishes to grow tall must first put down deep roots, or it will not withstand the storm".
In the next blog I'll be talking about the process of healing our ego's and releasing our damaged self concepts.
I've spoken before about how each of us in actually the indivisible divine force manifesting in individuated form. God getting to know itself through the illusion of separation and the diversity of creation. Every being, every flower, every tree and animal are in fact merely different expressions of the one infinite life force. We exist in an interdependence of forms, much the same way that each cell in our body is both uniquely individual and a neccesary part of the greater whole. This is a very useful analogy, as most people realise that each cell has a vital role in their overall wellbeing. The disease of even one cell impoverishes and threatens the wellbeing of the whole system.
Like cells, we each contain within us the entire blueprint of life and yet we each are a specialised expression of that blueprint. Like cells, we each function within our own discreet boundaries, and yet we function as part of a greater whole. Like cells, we need to understand our part in the overall scheme of things, but we also need to maintain our independent identity and function. This is where the Ego comes in. Our ego is the mechanism by which we are able to figure out where we end and others begin. It is the basis of our individuality, which must be maintained for us to function. Without the ego, we would simply experience ourself as the undiferentiated life force, which would render creation rather pointless. The ego does not, as some claim, separate us from God. What it does is allow us to function as an individuated aspect of God, a unique expression of grace.
Also like cells, we each have particular functions, a particular part to play in the grand scheme of things. A brain cell would never consider the idea that it should be a liver cell, or vice versa. They accept their particular role as given, and find joy in the doing of it. Unlike cells, and most other lifeforms, the human being does get a little more choice in matters of function. We bear the gift and the burden of free will, the ability to make choices about our direction in life. This is more limited than most people would like to believe. Each of us has particular tendencies, talents and abilities which suit us for particualr roles. If we use free will to try and fulfill unsuitable roles we generally find ourselves frustrated, unsuccesful and unhappy. Fortunately, if we surrender to the fulfilment of our true roles we discover passion, fulfilment and happiness.
One of the most damaging concepts of the modern world is the idea that you can do "anything at all". If the little skinny guy with the high academic IQ and poor motor skills sets his mind on being a star football player he simply will not succeed. Nor will the jock with limited academic ability be winning the noble prize for science. These would be examples of our ego having become disconnected from reality. A healthy ego is firmly rooted in our organic and spiritual existence. We experience our ego consciously through our 'self concept', our psychological picture of who we are. The degree to which this self concept matches up with the reality of our 'self' (called self efficacy) determines the degree to which we are able to be happy and at peace in our own skin.
Unfortunately, most of us do not get the family and society that naturally leads to the development of a healthy ego. Ego health is a result of unconditional love, positive regard and validation for our unique value as a person. The extent to which others recognise the value of our particular being usually determines the extent to which we form a healthy and loving self concept. Sadly, most people are subjected to environments in which others demand that we try to make our true self fit into a self concept that is foreign and unachievable. Put another way, our identity is meant to develop around our experience of self, not be imposed on us by other peoples expectations and ideas about who we should be.
The first part of the journey of spiritual development is the healing of our ego. Those who try to bypass this stage inevitably end up being dragged back to it, no matter how advanced they may seem to be in matters spiritual and energetic. In fact, many people who try to devlop transcendent awareness without having healed their ego end up in a highly ungrounded state that can lead to insanity. Others end up stuck in a stage of 'spiritual ego', where their knowledge and beliefs outstrip their understanding and development. They talk the talk but are unable to walk the walk. The Kabbalists put this well - "a tree that wishes to grow tall must first put down deep roots, or it will not withstand the storm".
In the next blog I'll be talking about the process of healing our ego's and releasing our damaged self concepts.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Paradox of Prayer
Ok, Ok. I know that this can all sound a bit religious when I start talking about things like prayer. But if you bear with me you'll come to see that prayer really has nothing to do with organised religion, or supplications of unworthiness before a distant God who hands out favours at whim. Indeed, real prayer is the opposite of these things. So please indulge me for a moment and forget everything you may have learnt about praying from some sick idolatrous religion.
What is Prayer?
Prayer is communion with Grace, much the same as meditation, contemplation of the divine, self inqiry, sacred dance, intentional chanting and a dozen other forms of spiritual practice. Prayer can take a great many forms, but what tends to distuinguish it from other practices is that it usually takes the form of a 'conversation' with whatever the person recognises or conceptualises as the divine. Many people view prayer as asking for some sort of favour from God. A situation in which the little powerless human being begs the big powerful deity for some sort of intercession in their life. If this were true, you could imagine that the big G would be pretty busy attending to the needs of billions upon billions of lifeforms.
Such prayers seem to go unanswered, because the basic premise of them is flawed. For Grace to intercede in our creation of our lives would be a fundamental denial of who we are, an affirmation that what we are is something less than an expression of the divine creative life force. If such prayers were to be answered, it would give valididty to our concept of ourselves as small, powerless and dependent. Grace will never affirm such a misconception, will never support such an insanity. The purpose of grace is to bring us back to awareness of the truth of who we are, to help us beyond this injured identity and rediscover our divine self. A loving God would no more seek to make his/her children dependent and powerless than a loving human would.
True prayers never go unanswered, because they occur in recognition of our right relationship to Grace. This is the recognition that we are not separate to the divine in any way. A real prayer begins with the recognition that we are believing something that is causing us suffering. Perhaps we have projected our power onto something seemingly outside of ourselves, or become trapped in an illusion of separation, grievance and powerlessness. Whatever the reason, the form of a real prayer is deceptively simple. We are asking grace to restore us to right perception, to help us clear our minds of the illusions that are causing us to suffer.
There are many ways to ask this question. Some of my favourites are "please help me see with the eyes of God", or "What would love do in this situation" or "Show me the errors in my minds viewing of this situation" or "Help me to see what is for my highest good in this situation". Prayer doesn't always have to be in response to suffering either. As people develop their relationship with grace many simply make it a daily practice to pray. This can look like "show me how to live this day in peace" or "help me to find grace in each moment" or "show me how I might live my day closer to love". Answering these questions are the function, the very purpose of grace. Grace is the gift that helps us to find the truth and recover from the ilusions of sinfulness and powerlessness and prayer is one of the most powerful ways that we can connect with grace.
As much as a loving and responsible parent would not encourage dependence in their children, nor would they turn a deaf ear or fail to offer appropriate assistance. The paradox of prayer is that all prayers are answered by grace, it just may not look like we think it should. In the movie Evan Almighty, one of the main characters prays to God for a more loving, closer family life. After all hell breaks loose, threatening to disrupt their family life altogether, she unknowingly encounters God (as played by Morgan Freeman) in a roadside diner. He challenges her with the proposition that if you were to pray for a closer family do you think God would send you warm fuzzy feelings, or the opportunity to create closeness through offering love and support in difficult times. It's not often that I look to hollywood for spiritual wisdom, but this seems to me a perfect example of the way irresponsible prayers are answered.
When we pray we are engaging in a partnership with grace, not giving our power to it. Attempts to give away responsibility for our life usually result in situations that provide us with the opportunity to reclaim that responsibility. Grace partners us by giving us the opportunity to grow, heal and rediscover the reality of our divine self. If it were to do these things for us it would be a partner in our disempowerment. Graces ultimate answer will always be this, that you are whole, complete and powerful. That you have always been whole, it is only in your mind, and the illusory reality you create with your mind, that these dark dreams of brokenness can exist. They are but shadows that never affect the true reality, the reality of love. However, until we are ready to hear this answer, grace will always allow us the opportunity to experience our delusions, and offer us the opportunity to give them up. The choice, as always, is ours. Free will, it's a bitch.
Prayer isn't hard to do. It requires no rituals, no incense, no special words or scented oils or fancy buildings. In fact, Jesus instructed his disciples that "they would be better to pray in a closet than in a church". It requires nothing except a sincere willingness to let grace show us the truth. But don't take my word for it, give it a go.
together we rise
What is Prayer?
Prayer is communion with Grace, much the same as meditation, contemplation of the divine, self inqiry, sacred dance, intentional chanting and a dozen other forms of spiritual practice. Prayer can take a great many forms, but what tends to distuinguish it from other practices is that it usually takes the form of a 'conversation' with whatever the person recognises or conceptualises as the divine. Many people view prayer as asking for some sort of favour from God. A situation in which the little powerless human being begs the big powerful deity for some sort of intercession in their life. If this were true, you could imagine that the big G would be pretty busy attending to the needs of billions upon billions of lifeforms.
Such prayers seem to go unanswered, because the basic premise of them is flawed. For Grace to intercede in our creation of our lives would be a fundamental denial of who we are, an affirmation that what we are is something less than an expression of the divine creative life force. If such prayers were to be answered, it would give valididty to our concept of ourselves as small, powerless and dependent. Grace will never affirm such a misconception, will never support such an insanity. The purpose of grace is to bring us back to awareness of the truth of who we are, to help us beyond this injured identity and rediscover our divine self. A loving God would no more seek to make his/her children dependent and powerless than a loving human would.
True prayers never go unanswered, because they occur in recognition of our right relationship to Grace. This is the recognition that we are not separate to the divine in any way. A real prayer begins with the recognition that we are believing something that is causing us suffering. Perhaps we have projected our power onto something seemingly outside of ourselves, or become trapped in an illusion of separation, grievance and powerlessness. Whatever the reason, the form of a real prayer is deceptively simple. We are asking grace to restore us to right perception, to help us clear our minds of the illusions that are causing us to suffer.
There are many ways to ask this question. Some of my favourites are "please help me see with the eyes of God", or "What would love do in this situation" or "Show me the errors in my minds viewing of this situation" or "Help me to see what is for my highest good in this situation". Prayer doesn't always have to be in response to suffering either. As people develop their relationship with grace many simply make it a daily practice to pray. This can look like "show me how to live this day in peace" or "help me to find grace in each moment" or "show me how I might live my day closer to love". Answering these questions are the function, the very purpose of grace. Grace is the gift that helps us to find the truth and recover from the ilusions of sinfulness and powerlessness and prayer is one of the most powerful ways that we can connect with grace.
As much as a loving and responsible parent would not encourage dependence in their children, nor would they turn a deaf ear or fail to offer appropriate assistance. The paradox of prayer is that all prayers are answered by grace, it just may not look like we think it should. In the movie Evan Almighty, one of the main characters prays to God for a more loving, closer family life. After all hell breaks loose, threatening to disrupt their family life altogether, she unknowingly encounters God (as played by Morgan Freeman) in a roadside diner. He challenges her with the proposition that if you were to pray for a closer family do you think God would send you warm fuzzy feelings, or the opportunity to create closeness through offering love and support in difficult times. It's not often that I look to hollywood for spiritual wisdom, but this seems to me a perfect example of the way irresponsible prayers are answered.
When we pray we are engaging in a partnership with grace, not giving our power to it. Attempts to give away responsibility for our life usually result in situations that provide us with the opportunity to reclaim that responsibility. Grace partners us by giving us the opportunity to grow, heal and rediscover the reality of our divine self. If it were to do these things for us it would be a partner in our disempowerment. Graces ultimate answer will always be this, that you are whole, complete and powerful. That you have always been whole, it is only in your mind, and the illusory reality you create with your mind, that these dark dreams of brokenness can exist. They are but shadows that never affect the true reality, the reality of love. However, until we are ready to hear this answer, grace will always allow us the opportunity to experience our delusions, and offer us the opportunity to give them up. The choice, as always, is ours. Free will, it's a bitch.
Prayer isn't hard to do. It requires no rituals, no incense, no special words or scented oils or fancy buildings. In fact, Jesus instructed his disciples that "they would be better to pray in a closet than in a church". It requires nothing except a sincere willingness to let grace show us the truth. But don't take my word for it, give it a go.
together we rise
Monday, August 11, 2008
"There but for the Grace of God" - Forgiving the Unforgiveable
Because of the nature of my studies at University I'm continually being exposed to information about the some of the worst aspects of the human condition. Wide spread violence and exploitation, child abuse, political indifference, and planet destroying corporate greed just to name a few. Like most people I find myself horrified, despairing and teetering on the edge of hopelessness on a regular basis. Unlike most people I lack the luxury of turning to an episode of the simpsons and tuning out. These are prescribed readings, and read them I must. Sometimes I get angry, and sometimes I start judging the perpetrators of these crimes against decency, these deceivers and users who commit unspeakable acts.
In those moments it is often difficult to find grace. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I wish to not experience those feelings of horror, I would be worried if I did not feel this way. Being shocked and appalled by dreadful crimes, feeling empathy and concern for the victims, is how I know I'm human, how I know that grace is alive inside me. It's the judgment that takes grace from me. To be angry at the commision of these acts is healthy, but to condemn the perpetrators is for me to commmit an act of violence (if only in my mind) in return. I become in that moment a perpetrator of lovelessness.
Please don't think I'm taking the righteous high ground here. Believe me when I say that I do this all the time. I do it driving down the road when someone cuts me off on the roundabout, or at the supermarket when someone blocks the aisle. I do it when I hear the news, or witness another politician trying to obscure the facts behind political double speak. I do it every time I pick up a newspaper and see the bias and manipulation in today's media. It seems that to judge is merely part of the human condition. The trick, I think, is in what I do next. Sometimes I just keep judging, which seems to feed on itself and engorges until I finally notice that I'm feeling absolutely miserable. Sometimes, the fortunate times, I remember the old saying - "there but for the grace of God go I".
I notice that my judgement is always righteous, always containing somewhere within it the idea that there is no way I would commit such a crime, or do something so stupid, or act with such carelessness towards another. Of course the truth is quite the opposite. I'm guilty of carelessness and stupidity on an almost daily basis, and I've many acts in my past of which I'm not proud - some of them criminal. I've been hurt by others, and I've hurt others in turn. To err is human, or so the saying goes.
I've also noticed that it is always from a place of hurt that I hurt others. It is when I feel myself as powerless, victimised, threatened and unloved that I lash out at those around me. I believe that this is always the case, that hurt people, HURT people. So when I witness these crimes of indifference and viloence I find myself faced with a choice. Do I judge and condemn, or do recognise that the perpetrator is in pain and needing the experience of grace, of love and compassion? Or I could ask it another way. When I commit acts of lovelessness, do I wish to be judged and condemned, or would I like others to recognise that I'm in pain and in need of grace and love?
To Forgive, Divine.
Forgiveness is a word often used and often misunderstood. Forgiveness is not 'letting someone off the hook', and is not achieved by taking the moral high ground. If we tell ourselves that we are forgiving someone, but inside we are still full of anger and judgment, then we are actually fooling ourselves and committing what 'a course in miracles' calls a double condemnation. First we condemn them with our judgement about how bad they are, and then we condemn them again, through putting ourselves in a position of moral superiority by 'forgiving' them.
True forgiveness comes in the recognition that they are just like us. The understanding that they are acting from pain and trauma, just as we sometimes do. True forgiveness is the realisation that this person has lost touch with the truth of who they are, and become caught in an illusion of sinfulness, powerlessness and unworthiness. True forgiveness is looking past the actions of the wounded ego to the god self inside and offering them the love they need to heal. Most of all, true forgiveness is rediscovering who we are, learning to look with the eyes of grace. In true forgiveness we are transformed, because in seeing through the illusions of their pain ridden mind, we learn to see the illusions of our own. the opporunity in forgiveness is the opportunity to say 'Thank you for giving me the chance to rediscover grace, in a world beset by the illusion of sin".
The reality is that we all do bad things, and it doesn't matter how severe or mild they are. The act of murder is in fact no more or less violent than the act of a harsh and unloving remark, because they are sourced in exactly the same place. All acts of lovelessness comes from a disconnection between us and grace. Every crime against another is a crime against life, and every act stems from the belief that what we are is something less than the child of a loving God. Every judgement is a condemnation to hell, because its intent is to say that the other person is somehow unworthy of love, of grace, of forgiveness.
But what about those who commit the truly unforgiveable crimes? Those who abuse children, destroy entire species, commit murder on a massive scale? how can there crimes be no worse, no less forgiveable than ours? How indeed. Well, these people didn't get to where they are by themselves. The child abuser was themselves abused, which means that someone else dit it to them, and a whole bunch of other people failed to protect them by turning a blind eye, and an entire society failed to heal them when the early warnings signs showed up. It means that hundreds of people chose to allow their suffering to continue, chose to take care of themselves with total indifference to the plight of another.
Similarly, the CEO who's company destroyed a precious habitat did not do it alone. He was trained and conditioned towards greed, fear and carelessness from an early age. He was lauded and applauded for his ability to compete, to be stronger than others and indifferent to their pain. His shareholders demanded of him that he produce ever greater profits so that they might make money without having to work for it. His society required him to be succesful in order that he might be loved and rewarded. No one is born a child abuser, or a conqueror or a serial killer. They are made that way by a world full of lovelessness and the illusion of sin. They are shaped and moulded by the family and the society they came into with 360 degree innocence and trust. They are created - by US.
So when I find myself looking for someone else to blame, some other soul to condemn for the pain and the blood of this world, I have a choice to make. Do I add one more blow to the lovelessness of the world, one more burden of pain for them to bear on my behalf, or do take this opportunity to bring love and healing. Do I take revenge, or do I offer forgiveness. Do I convince myself that I could never be that person, or do I recognise that given the same life experience as them, I would be the one standing condemned, by me. There but for the grace of God, go I.
My ultimate choice is this, do I create even more darkness and perpetuate this cycle of suffering, or ask grace to show me how I might become the light that ends it. We'll, sometimes I do the former, and sometimes the latter. When I remember, when I stop for a moment and seek in myself the understanding and compassion that I would hope others would offer me, I discover that there truly is no crime greater than another, no unforgiveable sin, for they are all the one thing, the acting out of the terrible pain that comes when we believe that we are separate from grace. Revenge, punishment and condemnation are not the solution. They are what caused the problem. In offering others forgiveness, in choosing to see the grace that is who who they truly are, I give them the opportunity to forgive those thigns that were done to them, and myself the chance to learn who I truly am.
In the Kahuna teachings of the Hawaiian people there is a very old tradition. When faced with a person who has committed great harm, the shaman/healer would walk up to them and say simply this, over and over again. "I'm sorry, please forgive me".
Now that's grace.
In those moments it is often difficult to find grace. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I wish to not experience those feelings of horror, I would be worried if I did not feel this way. Being shocked and appalled by dreadful crimes, feeling empathy and concern for the victims, is how I know I'm human, how I know that grace is alive inside me. It's the judgment that takes grace from me. To be angry at the commision of these acts is healthy, but to condemn the perpetrators is for me to commmit an act of violence (if only in my mind) in return. I become in that moment a perpetrator of lovelessness.
Please don't think I'm taking the righteous high ground here. Believe me when I say that I do this all the time. I do it driving down the road when someone cuts me off on the roundabout, or at the supermarket when someone blocks the aisle. I do it when I hear the news, or witness another politician trying to obscure the facts behind political double speak. I do it every time I pick up a newspaper and see the bias and manipulation in today's media. It seems that to judge is merely part of the human condition. The trick, I think, is in what I do next. Sometimes I just keep judging, which seems to feed on itself and engorges until I finally notice that I'm feeling absolutely miserable. Sometimes, the fortunate times, I remember the old saying - "there but for the grace of God go I".
I notice that my judgement is always righteous, always containing somewhere within it the idea that there is no way I would commit such a crime, or do something so stupid, or act with such carelessness towards another. Of course the truth is quite the opposite. I'm guilty of carelessness and stupidity on an almost daily basis, and I've many acts in my past of which I'm not proud - some of them criminal. I've been hurt by others, and I've hurt others in turn. To err is human, or so the saying goes.
I've also noticed that it is always from a place of hurt that I hurt others. It is when I feel myself as powerless, victimised, threatened and unloved that I lash out at those around me. I believe that this is always the case, that hurt people, HURT people. So when I witness these crimes of indifference and viloence I find myself faced with a choice. Do I judge and condemn, or do recognise that the perpetrator is in pain and needing the experience of grace, of love and compassion? Or I could ask it another way. When I commit acts of lovelessness, do I wish to be judged and condemned, or would I like others to recognise that I'm in pain and in need of grace and love?
To Forgive, Divine.
Forgiveness is a word often used and often misunderstood. Forgiveness is not 'letting someone off the hook', and is not achieved by taking the moral high ground. If we tell ourselves that we are forgiving someone, but inside we are still full of anger and judgment, then we are actually fooling ourselves and committing what 'a course in miracles' calls a double condemnation. First we condemn them with our judgement about how bad they are, and then we condemn them again, through putting ourselves in a position of moral superiority by 'forgiving' them.
True forgiveness comes in the recognition that they are just like us. The understanding that they are acting from pain and trauma, just as we sometimes do. True forgiveness is the realisation that this person has lost touch with the truth of who they are, and become caught in an illusion of sinfulness, powerlessness and unworthiness. True forgiveness is looking past the actions of the wounded ego to the god self inside and offering them the love they need to heal. Most of all, true forgiveness is rediscovering who we are, learning to look with the eyes of grace. In true forgiveness we are transformed, because in seeing through the illusions of their pain ridden mind, we learn to see the illusions of our own. the opporunity in forgiveness is the opportunity to say 'Thank you for giving me the chance to rediscover grace, in a world beset by the illusion of sin".
The reality is that we all do bad things, and it doesn't matter how severe or mild they are. The act of murder is in fact no more or less violent than the act of a harsh and unloving remark, because they are sourced in exactly the same place. All acts of lovelessness comes from a disconnection between us and grace. Every crime against another is a crime against life, and every act stems from the belief that what we are is something less than the child of a loving God. Every judgement is a condemnation to hell, because its intent is to say that the other person is somehow unworthy of love, of grace, of forgiveness.
But what about those who commit the truly unforgiveable crimes? Those who abuse children, destroy entire species, commit murder on a massive scale? how can there crimes be no worse, no less forgiveable than ours? How indeed. Well, these people didn't get to where they are by themselves. The child abuser was themselves abused, which means that someone else dit it to them, and a whole bunch of other people failed to protect them by turning a blind eye, and an entire society failed to heal them when the early warnings signs showed up. It means that hundreds of people chose to allow their suffering to continue, chose to take care of themselves with total indifference to the plight of another.
Similarly, the CEO who's company destroyed a precious habitat did not do it alone. He was trained and conditioned towards greed, fear and carelessness from an early age. He was lauded and applauded for his ability to compete, to be stronger than others and indifferent to their pain. His shareholders demanded of him that he produce ever greater profits so that they might make money without having to work for it. His society required him to be succesful in order that he might be loved and rewarded. No one is born a child abuser, or a conqueror or a serial killer. They are made that way by a world full of lovelessness and the illusion of sin. They are shaped and moulded by the family and the society they came into with 360 degree innocence and trust. They are created - by US.
So when I find myself looking for someone else to blame, some other soul to condemn for the pain and the blood of this world, I have a choice to make. Do I add one more blow to the lovelessness of the world, one more burden of pain for them to bear on my behalf, or do take this opportunity to bring love and healing. Do I take revenge, or do I offer forgiveness. Do I convince myself that I could never be that person, or do I recognise that given the same life experience as them, I would be the one standing condemned, by me. There but for the grace of God, go I.
My ultimate choice is this, do I create even more darkness and perpetuate this cycle of suffering, or ask grace to show me how I might become the light that ends it. We'll, sometimes I do the former, and sometimes the latter. When I remember, when I stop for a moment and seek in myself the understanding and compassion that I would hope others would offer me, I discover that there truly is no crime greater than another, no unforgiveable sin, for they are all the one thing, the acting out of the terrible pain that comes when we believe that we are separate from grace. Revenge, punishment and condemnation are not the solution. They are what caused the problem. In offering others forgiveness, in choosing to see the grace that is who who they truly are, I give them the opportunity to forgive those thigns that were done to them, and myself the chance to learn who I truly am.
In the Kahuna teachings of the Hawaiian people there is a very old tradition. When faced with a person who has committed great harm, the shaman/healer would walk up to them and say simply this, over and over again. "I'm sorry, please forgive me".
Now that's grace.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
What a Shame
In my last blog I promised to talk about the process of recovering from a state of toxic shame, which is how John Bradshaw (psychologist and author) describes the common state of distorted identity that separates us from our natural grace. In his book 'healing the shame that binds you' (see my picks) he talks about the difference between our natural healthy feelings of shame and unhealthy feelings of toxic shame, which is poisonous to our wellbeing. Natural Shame is the feeling that arises in us when we are thinking or acting in a way that is against our innate values. This could be that we are behaving dishonestly or destructively to ourself or another, or it could be that we are failing to live up to out potential in life. All of us have feelings of natural shame which guide us in living a fulfilling and responsible life.
Toxic Shame is the result of other peoples values, negative messages and expectations being imposed on us. This is done (usually not deliberately) by parents, teachers, society, religion, media and peer groups. Very few of us in the modern world escape the traumatic effects of toxic shame in our lives. The effects can vary greatly from a mild lack of self esteem to serious mental disorders and behavioural problems. The majority of people are somewhere in the middle, usually suffering under the burden of addiction and self limiting beliefs, but able to function well enough to survive and begin a process of recovery.
Toxic shame creates what Bradshaw calls a 'shame bind'. This is a no win "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. If we comply with the imposed values and expectations we feel ashamed because we are not living our true values and potential. If we do not comply we feel ashamed because we are acting against the imposed values. Either action leads us to pain, forcing many people to live a life where they are constantly trying to reduce the risk of shame though a complex balancing act of self limitation. I call this emotional fence sitting. Of course the problem with sitting on fences is that you end up with a sore arse.
What this leads to is a state where we often dissociate from shame all together, to avoid the experience of this painful and seemingly unresolvable emotional state. In the milder cases this leads to a sort of emotional numbness that results in living a passionless and neurotic life, often leading to depression and apathy. In severe cases it manifests as psychopathic and other pathological behaviours like violence, criminality, drug abuse, excessive promiscuity and so on. Bradshaw calls these two ends of the spectrum living shamefully or shamelessly. Whichever the case is, recovery involves a process of undoing the imposed state of toxic shame and rediscovering the gift of natural shame in ourselves.
Another effect of toxic shame is the impact it has on our self concept. Typically people who are suffering from toxic shame binding have an 'all or nothing' view of themselves. In their own minds they flip between fantasies of being either super human or totally worthless. There is no permission in their self esteem to be somewhere in the middle, another human being who, though no better than others, still has their unique and valuable contribution to make to life. This is a dreadful bind to be in, a belief that if I'm not making superhuman achievements (which are impossible) I'm completely useless and unloveable. Wow, what a setup for feelings of failure and self hatred. Again, this can vary in severity from unrealistic goals and over achievement behaviours to total life paralysis where no action is taken.
Toxic shame is most evident in the extraordinary incidence of addiction we find in our society. Pretty much everyone is doing it. We are addicted to drugs, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, adrenalin, television, work, romance, video games, sex, food, sport and so on. All addictions serve the same basic purpose, numbing out our uncomfortable feelings and stimulating our bodies into an excited state that overides the pain. They are coping mechanism's, self medicating practices that help us to survive until we can discover the will and resources to deal with the toxic feelings underneath. In themselves, addictions are not the problem and need to be treated with understanding and compassion. If we beat ourselves up for our addictions we are simply adding to the shame and worthlessness we feel. A kinder and more effective approach is to recognise the addiction as the symptom of our distress, and use it as a gateway to the healing work we need to do.
Undoing toxic shame is rarely easy, and takes courage and determination. The worst thing to do is trying to do it alone. Toxic shame does it best to hide from others, and healing it requires that we expose ourselves to the loving presence that we are unable to provide for ourselves when we are shame bound. This can be through a therapist, a support group, a twelve step program (which are designed exactly for this purpose), a spiritual practice or any number of healing programs and workshops. Ultimately, we are exposing ourselves to the opportunity for grace to enter into our heart and heal our illusions of wrongness. It's not easy work, and it requires that we give up our attempts to avoid, deny and hide the shame that we feel, but the freedom and joy it brings far outweighs the pain we have to go through.
Shame off you.
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