Blessings Be

The most powerful ways I know to experience grace and all the blessings it offers, is to offer grace to others in the form of blessing. This doesn't mean you have to wave your hands in the air and chant strange rituals at people. Blessing is simply another word for positively recognising other people. When I bless someone else I choose to see the good (grace) inside them, and acknowledge it openly. Everyone blesses all the time. We bless our friends, our families, and our co-workers every time we smile, embrace, validate and encourage. It's an ancient truth that the more we bless others, the more blessed we are. It could be said that all the world really needs is more blessing, but it isn't always as easy as it sounds. There are a number of barriers to blessing which we may have to get past.

The first, and the worst, is a sense of unworthiness, the idea that we have no blessing to offer - that our opinion is not important or valuable to others. Sadly this low opinion of ourselves arises because we have not received the kind of blessing and validation we needed. Even more sadly, this is a cyclical condition where, because of other peoples failure to bless us, we now feel we cannot bless others, who then feel they cannot bless others and so on. Fortunately it only takes one person to break this cycle. One person to think "well, maybe I don't think my opinion is worth much, but perhaps it can give some small joy to another anyway. Maybe I'll give it a go and see what happens". I don't know about you, but the times in my life where someone has taken the trouble to offer me blessing and recognition stick out boldy in my memory. Not only because they are rarer than I might like, but because they feel so damn good. It didn't matter to me who that person was, only that they took the time to care.

The second barrier to blessing is anger. Most people carry the pain of not receiving the blessing and validation they would like. Most people feel unnapreciated, taken for granted and unrecognised at some point in their life. For some, perhaps many, this can turn into a vengeful resentment. "If the world won't give me the blessing I need, then I'm not giving it to them either". I wish I could say that this is uncommon, but it isn't. Many of us feel that we have an empty cup, and therefore don't make the effort to fill the cup of others, lest it cost us what little we have. The reality of life is very different. Blessing not only costs us nothing but it has the strange effect that as we fill up the cup of others, so ours is filled. When I get into this sort of mindset I try to ask myself this question "Is this the person I want to be". Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?

The third barrier to blessing is fear. Fear that we might appear weak or needy. Fear that our blessing may not be welcome. Fear that the other may be embarrased. Fear that it might fall on deaf ears, be struck down on the rocks of the other persons feelings of unworthiness. Fear that we might be ridiculed or rejected. Fear that others might misinterpret our offering, see it as angling for something we want in return. Fear that others might grow attached and dependent on us. Fear that we will always be the one giving, and not receive the blessings we long for. Fear with a thousand faces. There are two good remedies for fear. The first is courage, the wilingness to decide that the benefits outweigh the risk. The willingness to allow other people to have their reactions and hold fast to the purity of our intent. The second remedy is skill - there are ways of offering blessing to others that are hard to misinterpret, hard to deny and hard to resist.

Not all Blessings are Created Equal

I wish that they were, for certainly the intent is equal in it's lovingness, but the undeniable fact is that there is a skill to good blessing. There is an old principle that when it comes to communication the progentior is 100% responsible. This means that we are responsible not only for what what we say, but for how it is heard. This is harsh, because our words are often being filtered through the other persons worldview, but if we wish our words to have effect we need to take the time to understand their worldview and tailor our message to it. The intention of blessing is to communicate love and acceptance, so if our intention is true, the extra effort shouldn't be too much trouble.

As blessings go compliments are tricky and easy to misinterpret. They often hit up against the barriers of the other persons low self esteem, and sometimes can be interpreted as 'flattery', which is esentially self serving. If you tell someone that they are beautiful for instance, you may offend them because they could have a history of being objectified and exploited for their beauty, and not respected for their character. That's not to say that compliments don't work at all, but to give an effective compliment we usually have to make sure that it is very specific. It needs to be tailored to the the person's view of themselves, to praise in them something that they value in themselves. If we compliment someone for something that they are unable to recognise about themselves, our words will fall on deaf ears. If we compliment them for something that they do not value about themselves, or something that represents a limitation to them, they may even resent it.

Similarly, praise and encouragement can be seen as patronising and arrogant, or downright manipulative. Most people like to be praised, but only if the person praising them is someone who's opinion they respect and value. Sadly, many people who are in the habit of easily praising others, are often using charm to manipulate for personal gain. This leads to a general distrust and wariness of those who offer praise. Praise and encouragement usually requires a pre-existing bond of intimacy, or no room for doubt about the givers intentions, to be readily received.

The most effective and readily accepted form of blessing is usually a communication that lets the other person know that they have made a positive contribution to the speakers life. Everyone has an inbuilt need to make a contribution and be seen as a valuable member of their community. For all our modern obsession with what we can 'get', it is our ability to give that brings us happiness and self esteem. In fact, the most damaging thing that happens to our self esteem in this world is where others fail to recognise what we have to offer. So if you really want to let someone know that you value them, ask yourself what it is that they bring to your experience of life, and tell them about it.

Together we rise.