Rotten Rituals

Continuing the exploration of how religion interacts with grace.

I've been aware of the presence of God since before I can remember. I think that perhaps all children are, but they are conditioned away from it. I'm not really sure how my faith survived my childhood, given that my father was a 'committed' atheist, my mother a lapsed methodist, and my stepfather couldn't really be bothered with 'all that'. Consequently my spirituality became something of a 'private' event, observed in the moments between the times when I had to 'present' to the world. Often it was late at night when everyone else had gone to bed. I would sit up pondering the wonders I saw around me, or sneak outside to dance naked in the moonlight with the wet grass tickling the soles of my feet.

I found god in everything, the sun on my face, the feel of a horses body pressed against mine, the trusting eyes of the family dog. Hardest of all was finding God in the people around me, buried as it so often is below the layers personality and protection, but I found that I could 'look' at them in a particular way (that was more heart than mind) and the veils of ignore-ance would drop away to reveal a shining beauty. I was often criticised for my willingness to trust strangers, forgive those who mistreated me and generally refuse to engage in the social play of rejection and status games. Despite the numerous urgings to 'toughen up' and 'fight back', I could not help but see the pain being expressed in these hurtful actions. The few times I tried to heed this advise and retaliate, the pain I caused myself in the betrayal of my truth was far greater than the hurt anyone else could deal me.

However, I had one glaring advantage in maintaining my relationship to the divine, I was never exposed to religion (thanks to my atheist father). My first attendance at a religious ritual was a wedding, fairly benign if a little long. My second was a catholic christening of my nephew, which has stuck with me ever since. Not  (sadly) because the ritual was beautiful or inspiring, but because it struck me as being completely empty, a feelingness delivery of empty words. The one bright spot was the benediction by my younger sister, who's love for her nephew was the only evidence of God present.It became clear to me that ritual without true connection was a tragic blind alley and a terrible fraud. So what is ritual meant to be?

At it's best, it can be a gateway to the experience of the divine. Ritual can create a path that removes us from our everyday world filled with thoughts of problems and struggle, and lead us into an experience of our deepest truth. Rituals don't have to be spiritual either, our lives are filled with them. Going to the theatre or a movie is a ritual that many of use for exactly this purpose. Spending quality time with family, meeting our friends for a coffee or a friendly game of poker, and giving mum a call once a week (unless it's from obligation) are all examples of rituals that connect us to divine reality. Even sitting down for a cuppa, when done in the right way, can be the equivalent of a deep meditation. The things that set these apart from the hollow ranting of many religious endeavours is simply the presence of authentic presence. It is not the ritual itself, but the way in which we engage with it that provides the power and the benefit. It is not the ritual that contains grace, it is we who bring grace to it with our intention.

Simply put, rituals have the meaning and the purpose that we ascribe to them. If it is our intention to use a ritual to connect with the divine experience then literally any ritual will do. If it is not, or even worse, if we are participating in ritual from some sense of obligation, fear of divine retribution, fear of social retribution, or from the belief that the ritual itself is what holds the power, then no ritual will do the job. Meeting once a week to celebrate life, connect with grace, sing uplifting songs and enjoy the fellowship of others is a beautiful ritual - unless it's done from a sense of obligation and compliance to the demands of an oppressive religion that negates the divinity of its members. Taking ten minutes five times a day to kneel down and connect with grace is a wonderful idea (also good for the back), until its done to avoid social disapproval and punishment from the self righteous domination of self appointed 'representatives' of God.

Any ritual that negates the divinity of those performing it, or pretends that the power of grace is invested in objects, actions and words is a false one. Such rituals merely separate us form grace, diminish our sense of self, and give a non existent power and authority to those administering them. Far from connecting us to God, they trap us in an illusion of separation and unworthiness. They are simply another form of idolatry (discussed in next blog). The only useful ritual is one that reminds us to engage in some action of sincere communion.

Jesus of Nazareth instructed his disciples that 'they would be better to pray in a closet than a church'. It is going inside and finding the natural connection we all have to grace that gives us benefit, and any ritual that feels right to you is the best one. If it doesn't feel good, I say don't do it.

Foolish Faith

I spoke of the difference between faith and belief as being that faith emerges from a direct experience of God, which somewhat contradicts the modern idea that faith is 'belief in the absence of evidence'. People often speak of 'leap of faith', implying that one chooses to trust in the grace even though their rational mind tells them that they shouldn't, or that there is no evidence for doing so. Many times this is how faith is arrived at, often in circumstances of great peril or overwhelm where the person is faced with the knowledge that they are powerless to affect their own rescue.

Yet for this to occur there must first be some small voice within the person that impels that choice. One does not randomly 'get religious' when their fat is in the fire. People do not suddenly abandon their worldview, unless they have some inkling that there is something there. If you were hanging off the edge of the cliff you would not suddenly leap for a rope, unless you had some indication that the rope was actually present.

Everyone wants to believe that they have power in their world, particularly the power to look after themselves, this is essential for a healthy ego. However, there comes a point in every life when we discover the limitations of that power. Perhaps it is through sickness, or extreme danger, or getting old and infirm, or the inability to overcome addictions, or even through discovering that we are unable to create happiness for our self. Some people arrive at this knowledge through scientific inquiry or introspection, where they suddenly realise that the enormous complexity and order of nature is far beyond their understanding or ability to control. However it happens, at this moment there is the inevitable conclusion that some other rather awesome and intelligent force is at work in the world. This realisation - part logical conclusion, part experience, part intuitive understanding - is the foundation of faith. The knowledge that, in the words of the Kama Sutra, "things are not as they seem, nor are they different".

So what is faith? Well, I think it is simply the knowledge that there is something powerful, intelligent and benevolent driving the universe. The understanding that there is order in the apparent chaos, and that we are part of that order. What trips most people up is the idea that this 'higher power' is benevolent. How could it possibly be so when the world is full of war, destruction and inhumanity. Wouldn't a benevolent power do something about that? It's a good question, and one I could spend tomes trying to answer, without success. That's the problem - it's not until one has the experience of grace, and deepens in relationship with it, that it begins to make sense. One can't really have faith until they have faith.

Actually, arriving at faith doesn't have to involve extreme events, it requires only that we sincerely allow the possibility, but extreme experiences do make the best stories. My favourite was told to me a counsellor I went to see. She related how, as a young woman in New York, she found herself one day in a dead end alley in the wrong part of town. She was surrounded by five young men who were obviously intent on taking what they wanted and doing her harm. In that moment she realised that there was no way to escape or defend herself, she simply did not have the power to save herself from this situation.

As often happens at this moment, she surrendered, and was inspired to take a radical action. She explained to those boys that she was frightened for her safety, that she realised she was in a bad part of town and feared she would be raped and killed. She then asked these young men, who were intent on doing just that, if they would protect her and see her safely out of that area. Those five individuals proceeded to proudly escort her to her home, waiting until her door was close behind her before moving off. Years later she received a letter from the leader of that gang of boys, explaining that she had completely turned his life around. He told her that she was the first person who had ever seen him as someone capable of doing good. That day he quit the life of the street, got a job, and was now a successful man with a devoted wife and family.

I still cry every time I relate that story. Not only did she find the faith that saved her own life, she found the ability to have faith in others, to look past all the apparent evidence of evil and see the possibility of goodness. Her faith saved at least one other life from what would have almost certainly been a descending spiral into crime, drugs and early death. That is the true power of faith, the ability to look through the apparent reality to the grace that lies within, and in so doing, bring that grace forth in the world.

The picture above is the Tarot card of Strength, which represents the Kabalistic teaching on faith. The young woman, hopelessly overmatched in physical strength and ferocity, has tamed and befriended the wild lion through gentle love. She has declined to except the appearance of threat and overcome the danger though her faith in the goodness of the beast. Faith is a looking with the heart, rather than the mind, and its power is the power of God.

Why doesn't a benevolent higher power fix all the pain, hatred and violence in the world? What then would we have to do, what would make our lies meaningful, what would be the purpose of this adventure called life if not to discover who and what we truly are through our actions of love. A loving parent does not do their children's work for them, but gives them the opportunity to grow in power and maturity through setting them challenging tasks. In short, that’s our job - after all, we are the ones doing all the violence, hatred and destruction - why should God clean up our mess?

Together we rise

The Folly of Belief

Are religion and direct experience of God mutually exclusive?

You could be forgiven for thinking so.

I am not the first to note that there seems to be an inverse relationship between spirituality and religion, which means that the more religious people become the more disconnected from grace they seem to be. I say this not as a cynical condemnation of religious hypocrisy, but as a testament to the great tragedy of religion. Countless millions of people turn to religion looking for comfort, understanding and meaning. They seek the grace that others speak of. They yearn for the glory that something deep inside them clearly remembers. They seek peace, but often find only the hollowness of proscribed beliefs, or even the hatred and division of religious fundamentalism. However, many great men and women of faith have emerged from all sorts of religions, but they appear to be the exception rather than the rule.

Which leads me to the point - the difference between faith and belief. In the last blog I made reference to the difference between right and left brain thinking. This is particularly interesting in relation to matters spiritual. The left brain is the aspect of our ego mind that has the task of defining things. It gives names to everything, divides one thing from another, and allows us to distinguish the myriad purposes of objects in the physical world. This is important, it's good to know the difference between a knife and a plate, or a piece of rope and a poisonous snake. Our left brain figures out, catalogues and cross references not only things themselves, but what we believe them to be. Thus the same object can have two completely different belief systems attached to it. To one person a rifle may be the means by which they can secure food for their families. To another it may be a weapon by which they can dominate and enslave.

In this way the left brain can be considered the centre of our belief system. The important thing about beliefs is that they are polarised, meaning that we define things as much by what they are 'not' as by what they are - everything is relative to other things. By definition they define, which is to say that they divide and separate. Thus to be a Catholic is to 'not be' a Muslim, to believe differently to a Protestant, to be separate to a Pagan. Any religion that is 'taught' must be this way, because the act of teaching is one of defining. Religion says that God is 'this way', that humans are 'just so', that righteousness looks 'like this'. In any relative world view it is unavoidable that we will come to a belief about 'relative value'. For my beliefs to be valuable to me, they must be superior to others. For my beliefs to be 'true', others must be false.

There is no way to approach God from a left brain perspective that will not result in this dilemma. Trying to do so is like trying to perform surgery with a sledge hammer, it's the wrong tool for the job, and will most likely kill the patient. God is the indivisible, the all encompassing, the oneness that underlies all forms. Every great teacher will attest to the same thing, that God simply cannot be described, defined or captured with words and concepts (left brain). At best, words can simply point in that direction and intimate at the truth. In 'The Course in Miracles', Jesus says (paraphrased) that "I cannot tell you what Truth is, only what it is not".

Fortunately however, for those who may be despairing, God can be 'known'. Knowing is not a belief, or a definition or a concept - it is an experience, a living relationship with the oneness of grace. In other words, knowing cannot be done with the left brain. This is the great flaw of religion, the attempt to define God , to confine the infinite to the finite. The path of definition and belief leads only to the human experience of physical life, of separateness. Those who would know grace follow a path of experience, a path of faith. Faith is not, as popularly thought, a belief in God despite a lack of all evidence. It is the peace that comes from the direct experience of God, and it can only be had by those who are willing to abandon a slavish devotion to left brain thinking and embrace the right brain perspective on life.

The left brain defines and divides, looking for difference and separation. The right brain delves and explores, it seeks the relationship between things, the sameness and the sanctity. The left brain uses and controls, seeing a purpose to each object, a way in which it can be manipulated towards its own end. The right brain surrenders and succumbs, looking for how it might be 'used' by the greater web of life to a greater purpose. The left brain sees everything relative to itself. The right brain sees itself relative to everything else. The left brains separates, the right bonds. The left seeks individuation, the right seeks merging. And so on.

Once more, do not think that I intend to diminish the necessary and important function of the left brain in living this individuated human life. It is a wondrous creation, that is vital to the experience of creation. I say this merely to point out that if you wish to know grace, this isn't the path that takes you there. Nor do I wish to diminish the contribution and potential of religion. Religions, especially those who invoke particular practices of inquiry, have the capacity to evoke faith and direct others to the knowing of God. However, if all it offers is belief without real experience, it is a dead end that take us in exactly the wrong direction.

If we would know faith, we must abandon our beliefs. If we would know God, we need to forsake our attempt to define it. Grace exists in every moment, in everything, in every action, in every being. Indeed, grace is all there is. Anything else is just a figment of our imagination, a label, a name, a value judgement, an attempt to define and limit. If we would know grace, we need to look for what is the same in all things. But don't BELIEVE me, find your own knowing, your own faith.

Together we rise

The Middle Path - A Neurological Perspective

I wish to continue with the theme of the middle path, this balance point between the polarities of life. I mentioned in the last blog that I believe the problem is ideation, where we give too much authority to ideas and philosophies rather than trusting in our natural knowing. I'd like to clarify that this doesn't mean that ideas are wrong, or that the 'rational' mind should be denied in favour of feelings and instincts. These faculties are all natural parts of our human being, designed to work together in harmony and balance. The problem only arises when we favour one or the other too heavily, and impair their natural communication with each other. Supportive evidence for this need for a balanced approach is now coming from the field of science, which for so long has pushed us too far to the mental side of life. It's emerging out of the very exciting field of biological psychology.

Advances in electro imaging technology, such as MRI and PET scans, are allowing investigators to form a remarkably detailed picture of which aspects of our brains are doing what. This has been going on for a while, in fact if you haven't heard something about the differences between our left and right brain you've probably been hiding out in a mountain cave for the last twenty years. Popular myth has it that the right side of our brain is the feminine, responsible for creativity, emotion, music, relationship, intuition and so forth. The left is the masculine, responsible for language, linear logic, goal seeking, planning and so forth.

These are gross over simplifications of the available evidence, but there is enough truth to them to make it a useful model for discussion. Investigators have found a way to temporarily 'lesion', or shut down particular areas of the brain, allowing them to determine what alters during these episodes of dysfunction. For instance, when certain areas of the left hemisphere are lesioned, the person experiences impairment in their capacity for speech, reasoning, definition, the passing of time and focussed thoughts. When particular areas of the right hemisphere are lesioned some people lose their ability to distinguish emotion, perceive patterns in information, recall events, and recognise faces.

Let me stress that these differences are not nearly as predictable or as defined as many popular books on the subject would assert, but they give rise to interesting questions. What we do know is the the separate hemispheres of the brain control the opposite side of the body, and that the right brain has long been considered the seat of creativity, free will, emotion and motivation - considered the feminine mind. In fact the Catholic church has been waging war against the right brain for centuries. The word sinister, which is latin for 'left' (sinistra) came to mean evil in church doctrine. Left handedness was considered the mark of the devil and children with a left handed dominance were still being ruthlessly suppressed and 'retrained' as late as the 1960's.

Brain imaging studies have shown us that states of deep meditation and prayer generate increased activity in the right cortex, indicating that this area of our brain is involved in our personal connection to spirituality. However, belief based thinking, such as that involved in religious theology and ritual, mainly involve the left cortex. What we also know is that people who have suffered serious trauma often have a tendency to favour left brain thinking, which some put down to a tendency to avoid emotionally linked memories which seem to involve the right brain.

It appears that these two polarities need to work together to produce the best results. Most genius level intellects and high achievers in fields of innovation are famous for being people who are active in using both parts of their brain. Einstein was a great example of this. He related that once he had assimilated all the available information on the subject, he would determine his objective (both left brain activities) and then give it to his unconscious to figure out. He would then get on with other things until it came back at him with a response, which usually took the form of symbolic images (right brain activity). But this doesn't just work for geniuses. Every day life is a balancing act between our analytic mind and our intuitive reasoning - between our emotional responses and our cognitive abilities.

We all know people who favour one aspect over the other, usually to their detriment. For instance, those who stray too far to the left and live their lives in a highly intellectual and emotionally disengaged manner are usually dreadful at relationship, inclined to overwork, pay too little attention to their health and often lead quite bland unsatisfying lives. On the other hand (so to speak), some people go too far the other way and live lives of intense emotional drama while being unable to plan, set goals, discipline themselves or reason very well. Progress towards happiness for these people usually only comes when they recognise the need to embrace the 'other side' of life and develop their neglected faculties.

It's actually quite natural that different people specialise and tend more one way than the other, it's part of the diversity of human existence that go's to make a whole and interesting society, so long as we don't take it so far that we lose personal balance. Fortunately we all have both capacities, the ability to engage both sides of our brain in concert and balance. No matter where we are, or which way we tend, its never too late too redress the balance. Perhaps we need to take an art class, or a course in critical thinking, learn to play an instrument or develop self discipline. Whatever the need, just recognising that we may be out of balance is the first step back towards the middle.

Grace be with you.

The Middle Path

In the last blog I made quick reference to The Budha's teaching of following the middle path. Budha was born the crown prince of his country and raised in a state complete insulation from his world. He was surrounded by wealth, love, and reverence - never being confronted with the harsher realities of life until the day when he was presented to his populace. On that day he was shocked and horrified by the poverty, pain and suffering that he had never seen. He was also ashamed of his own wealth and position, realising that it came at the expense of others. So much so that he ran away from his life of privilege and became a spiritual ascetic, living  naked in the forest with nothing to eat but mud and water. After eight years of living this way, emaciated and weak from starvation, he had a realisation that life and truth was all about balance, that one had to walk the middle path.

So what does this mean? For me it means that this is a world of polarities, that life exists somewhere between the extremes. Everything in this reality is polarised - hot and cold, dark and light, up and down, in and out, fast and slow, male and female and so on. So too with matters spiritual. We live on the razors edge between the infinite oneness that resides inside us, and the extraordinary individuality that is our existence. We are both the same as everyone else, and entirely unique. And so too with life. We each of us struggle to live a life balanced between competing differences - we try to balance work and play, giving and receiving, caring for others and looking after ourselves, speaking and listening, activity and rest, consumption and creation, adventure and security, belonging and individuating, etc. Every moment of every day involves choices we make about which way we are going to go. Do I eat more food, or take a walk? Do I clean the house, or watch TV? Do I spend time with those I love, or get into my hobby? Yet despite this enormous burden of choice, this ever present balancing act, most of us manage to get through the day successfully - until we don't.

Therein lies the problem, sometimes we get it wrong, sometimes we get it horribly wrong, sometimes we get so far out of balance that life becomes unbearable. I think it would be rare to find a person today who hasn't got at least one area of their life where the balance is out of whack. Perhaps they work too much, eat too much, give too much, let too much slide, or covet too much. Perhaps they love too little, take too little, laugh too little. So many lives today are consumed with greed and dreams of wealth, at the expense of their family's, their friends, their lovers. While others take too little and sacrifice their own wellbeing for dreams of love that never comes. As always the question of the hour is this - why and how do we get so far out of balance?

The easiest way to answer that question is to ask another - how is it that we manage to stay in balance at all? How, with the vast array of competing polarities and impossible choices, do we ever get it right? Certainly the complexity of life is too much for our poor feeble minds to handle. So what other forces must be at work just to get us to the end of each day intact and reasonably sane? My belief is that we manage to get it right so much of the time exactly because we don't give it to our minds to figure out. In truth, the vast majority of our actions and choices are happening at the unconscious level. We experience them as instincts, feelings, intuitions, desires, hungers, frustrations, longings, whims, fancies and inexplicable urges - rarely questioned and almost always acted upon.

It seems that we are built to carry out this delicate act of balancing, with little need for our minds intrusions. Our mind gets to know about the decision after it's been made. Sometimes it gets to figure how to put the decision into action, but rarely gets to influence the decision itself. I would go so far as to suggest that it is truly our hearts (the middle chakra, the balance point between the two polarities) that gets to make our decisions. That for the most part, we walk the middle path that Buddha, echoed and affirmed by every great teacher throughout the ages, spoke of.

So to come back to the original question, why do we get so far out of balance? It seems to me that the problem here is ideation, which is to say that we forget to trust in our hearts and entrust it to our mind. We lose touch with our instinctive wisdom, because we have given authority to ideas - to philosophies, beliefs, creeds, political theories, religions, charismatic personalities and so on. We have failed to place our faith where it truly belongs, in the quiet still voice gently whispering in our hearts.

Is there anything so dangerous as a good idea? Is there anything more likely to disrupt our connection to the divine than a grand religious theory? Anything quicker to destroy the peace of society than the latest all encompassing Utopian dream?

Does balance and truth really come from having the answers or from the willingness to keep asking the questions, a moment by moment inquiry, what needs to happen right now?

Walking Between the Worlds

My path to grace began with a childhood fascination with the Tarot. Without knowing why, I found myself compelling drawn to these evocative images. Over the ensuing years I studied all I could about it, but it wasn't until much later that it truly revealed itself. In 1998 I sat down to write a course on reading Tarot, and discovered that the words appearing on the screen were both achingly familiar and totally unknown to me. I found myself channeling the wisdom of Grace, and it was laying out in my mind the true teaching of the Tarot, which are an extension of the knowledge of the Kabbala. So what has this got to do with anything?

Well, the image you see to the right is one of the many depictions of the lesson of Temperance. In many traditions, this is called the path of enlightenment, what Budha called 'walking between the worlds'. Reaching enlightenment indicates that the person lives both in the world of form and in the world of spirit, or grace. Actually, this is what everyone is doing all the time, we are spirit made flesh, god in creation. However, when we take form we go usually through a process of forgetting our spirit self in order to inhabit our physical self. If we didn't, we would find it very difficult to go from the experience of  unlimited grace and power to the experience of limitation, vulnerability and not-oneness. If we didn't forget, adjusting to this new reality with it's potentials for pain and frustration would be almost impossible.

However, we are not meant to forget forever. Over time our spiritual self gradually and naturally makes itself known, unless this process is interfered with, usually by false religions and socialisation designed to keep us in ignorance of our true being. Continued forgetting is disastrous to our wellbeing, it's like trying to motivate a car after we've run out of petrol, all hard work and frustration. When we have become over identified with a self concept of limitation, life can become hard and meaningless. Life stops being an adventure in form, and becomes a journey in suffering. The opposite is also true - if we are trying to live in the world of spirit and deny the world of form we've missed the point entirely. The trick is living with our awareness in both worlds, deeply centered in the world of spirit but thoroughly and joyfully immersed in our physical reality. Enlightenment is the process of undoing this forgetting and learning to reconcile the two seemingly separate realities. Grace is the mechanism that spirit provides to achieve this.

Of course, the question is how? In the Tarot, Temperance is the final lesson in the path of enlightenment. It is the teaching of En-joy-ing, meaning that we bring joy into everything by having an attitude of meeting all experience with joy. However, coming to this point is a process best learned in stages. In future blogs I'll be talking about the six lessons of grace that precede Temperance, designed to move us naturally to a place where we can greet every moment of life with joyful welcome. For now, you might like to play with the idea that joy is not so much a product of the reality you face, but a result of the attitude with which you face it. It's the decisions I make about what is happening that determine whether my experience is one of suffering or one of exstacy. When I greet each moment as an adventure, an opportunity to experience the wonder of life, I naturally find the good in it and respond from a place of power and creativity.

Grace be with you

Blessings Be

The most powerful ways I know to experience grace and all the blessings it offers, is to offer grace to others in the form of blessing. This doesn't mean you have to wave your hands in the air and chant strange rituals at people. Blessing is simply another word for positively recognising other people. When I bless someone else I choose to see the good (grace) inside them, and acknowledge it openly. Everyone blesses all the time. We bless our friends, our families, and our co-workers every time we smile, embrace, validate and encourage. It's an ancient truth that the more we bless others, the more blessed we are. It could be said that all the world really needs is more blessing, but it isn't always as easy as it sounds. There are a number of barriers to blessing which we may have to get past.

The first, and the worst, is a sense of unworthiness, the idea that we have no blessing to offer - that our opinion is not important or valuable to others. Sadly this low opinion of ourselves arises because we have not received the kind of blessing and validation we needed. Even more sadly, this is a cyclical condition where, because of other peoples failure to bless us, we now feel we cannot bless others, who then feel they cannot bless others and so on. Fortunately it only takes one person to break this cycle. One person to think "well, maybe I don't think my opinion is worth much, but perhaps it can give some small joy to another anyway. Maybe I'll give it a go and see what happens". I don't know about you, but the times in my life where someone has taken the trouble to offer me blessing and recognition stick out boldy in my memory. Not only because they are rarer than I might like, but because they feel so damn good. It didn't matter to me who that person was, only that they took the time to care.

The second barrier to blessing is anger. Most people carry the pain of not receiving the blessing and validation they would like. Most people feel unnapreciated, taken for granted and unrecognised at some point in their life. For some, perhaps many, this can turn into a vengeful resentment. "If the world won't give me the blessing I need, then I'm not giving it to them either". I wish I could say that this is uncommon, but it isn't. Many of us feel that we have an empty cup, and therefore don't make the effort to fill the cup of others, lest it cost us what little we have. The reality of life is very different. Blessing not only costs us nothing but it has the strange effect that as we fill up the cup of others, so ours is filled. When I get into this sort of mindset I try to ask myself this question "Is this the person I want to be". Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?

The third barrier to blessing is fear. Fear that we might appear weak or needy. Fear that our blessing may not be welcome. Fear that the other may be embarrased. Fear that it might fall on deaf ears, be struck down on the rocks of the other persons feelings of unworthiness. Fear that we might be ridiculed or rejected. Fear that others might misinterpret our offering, see it as angling for something we want in return. Fear that others might grow attached and dependent on us. Fear that we will always be the one giving, and not receive the blessings we long for. Fear with a thousand faces. There are two good remedies for fear. The first is courage, the wilingness to decide that the benefits outweigh the risk. The willingness to allow other people to have their reactions and hold fast to the purity of our intent. The second remedy is skill - there are ways of offering blessing to others that are hard to misinterpret, hard to deny and hard to resist.

Not all Blessings are Created Equal

I wish that they were, for certainly the intent is equal in it's lovingness, but the undeniable fact is that there is a skill to good blessing. There is an old principle that when it comes to communication the progentior is 100% responsible. This means that we are responsible not only for what what we say, but for how it is heard. This is harsh, because our words are often being filtered through the other persons worldview, but if we wish our words to have effect we need to take the time to understand their worldview and tailor our message to it. The intention of blessing is to communicate love and acceptance, so if our intention is true, the extra effort shouldn't be too much trouble.

As blessings go compliments are tricky and easy to misinterpret. They often hit up against the barriers of the other persons low self esteem, and sometimes can be interpreted as 'flattery', which is esentially self serving. If you tell someone that they are beautiful for instance, you may offend them because they could have a history of being objectified and exploited for their beauty, and not respected for their character. That's not to say that compliments don't work at all, but to give an effective compliment we usually have to make sure that it is very specific. It needs to be tailored to the the person's view of themselves, to praise in them something that they value in themselves. If we compliment someone for something that they are unable to recognise about themselves, our words will fall on deaf ears. If we compliment them for something that they do not value about themselves, or something that represents a limitation to them, they may even resent it.

Similarly, praise and encouragement can be seen as patronising and arrogant, or downright manipulative. Most people like to be praised, but only if the person praising them is someone who's opinion they respect and value. Sadly, many people who are in the habit of easily praising others, are often using charm to manipulate for personal gain. This leads to a general distrust and wariness of those who offer praise. Praise and encouragement usually requires a pre-existing bond of intimacy, or no room for doubt about the givers intentions, to be readily received.

The most effective and readily accepted form of blessing is usually a communication that lets the other person know that they have made a positive contribution to the speakers life. Everyone has an inbuilt need to make a contribution and be seen as a valuable member of their community. For all our modern obsession with what we can 'get', it is our ability to give that brings us happiness and self esteem. In fact, the most damaging thing that happens to our self esteem in this world is where others fail to recognise what we have to offer. So if you really want to let someone know that you value them, ask yourself what it is that they bring to your experience of life, and tell them about it.

Together we rise.